these last couple of weeks have been a stuggle for me. there are days where i understand God and all that He's done for me; where i can look at my surroundings and say that its all so beautiful. then, out of no where, there is a shift in my thoughts and i am reminded of all the hurt and brokeness in not only the world but in myself. i find myself shaking my fists at God asking all the "right" questions yet not recieving the "right" answers: what is going on with us? why are we so hurtful to one another? dont we all long for the same thing? love and companionship? forgiveness and restoration? and if He is so powerful and all knowing, where is He when people are getting raped? murdered? when is He when children are being sexually and physically abused? they cant defend themselves so why isnt He doing it? why are certain people starving yet i have so much? i didnt do anything do deserve all of this yet i feel untitled to so much. how long must i walk through the wilderness? i believe You exist so why dont You show up already??
i sound crazy. i AM crazy... right?
God, please dont leave me or forsake me. please dont leave me stagnant and angry. please restore me and redeem me. help me love You with all of being. invade the parts of my heart that are secret and dark. please help me forgive those who have wronged me as You forgive me so so much. thank You for always meeting me where im at. im so inconsistent, how do You keep up?? thank You for the many gifts and blessings that You've given me. im sorry for being unfaithful. for walking away time and time again. im sorry for my selfish desires and earthly pleasures. im sorry for doubting Your goodness. continue to prune me and grow me. please humble me and transform me into a righteous woman that brings You glory in everything i say and do. may Your light shine brightly through me. may i always believe that You are my Saviour, my God, my Friend, my true Love.
